duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
