you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
