Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
