so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I want a musical about memes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
