My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I am available for nakedness
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
