Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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