i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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