can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
