She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
