Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
