I looked at my own cervix.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
