dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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