Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
