I'm so fucking centered right now
we're chasing vodka with high fives
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night