I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.