This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
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He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner