ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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