shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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