he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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