we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
