Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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