Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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