Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
