After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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