how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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