And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
