My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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