I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
