When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize