Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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