I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
