I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
