Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
