Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
