Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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