not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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