Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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