You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?