and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
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i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.