I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
only you would photoshop your dick
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
