i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
