Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
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I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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