I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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