i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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