The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
