im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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