Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
