is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
