You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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