So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
