Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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