Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
