is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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