Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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