I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
