i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
