loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
