you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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