someone threw a dead crab at me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
